put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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