Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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