Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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