I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
