You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
