you would pick up someone in the library
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
