Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
