Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
