"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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