if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
