I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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