For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My vagina just recognized that song.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
