marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
