Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize