if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
