and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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