i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
