filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
