Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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