i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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