My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Shame is for Republicans.
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