I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
