Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Randomize
