so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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