Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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