I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
