Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
