he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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