When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
