Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
