he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
