I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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