It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
