Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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