Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
