You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
