Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize