hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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