I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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