meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
