I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hippo gnu deer
So squirting runs in the family.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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