There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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