Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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