The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
