We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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