There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
