No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
