I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
