god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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