It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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