you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
