my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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