Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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