some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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