Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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