Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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